fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
