Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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