I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I seem to have left my pride at pride
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
