The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize