ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
