yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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