i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
