Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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