Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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