wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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