Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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