new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
