I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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