I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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