I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
