Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
