I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
