Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
