so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
