the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize