I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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