In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
