That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
