fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
