I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
