My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
