you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
