Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
