Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
