We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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