I wanna passion pit in your ass
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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