I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
