I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize