When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
