thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
