It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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