I hate all girls vehemently.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
