I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
