Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
