I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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