When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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