she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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