Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
