Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
