Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize