Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
