Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
