I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
