I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
