My first STD was from a foam party
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
