Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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