i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
