Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
