This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
