I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
