Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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