good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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