I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You can't motorboat a personality
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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